So you've found me. I wasn't sure if you would come after me. I am touched by your love, but I'm not worthy of it. You should see me here on the windowsill of the abandoned building that many years ago belonged to the consul of a foreign power. The house is surrounded by moaning poplars and along the path the cypress trees tremble with birds. I chew sorrow like the oxen chews his cud. If I close my eyes I can hear Estelle singing between the withering flowers.
She has left me, Erik. She's gone to unimaginable places, beyond reach. I came to her and we talked for hours. I lost my way in the green of her eyes but she didn't know who I was. She has retired into another world, put up a wall and posted signs everywhere: No Entry! Danger!
She had her moments of clarity, she could remember places and names, even yours, but she couldn't remember me. A love affair of more than 35 years has come to an end, just when I was sure that this time, this year, she would agree to marry me, or at least to share the rest of our lives together, in France, on that old farm, where she was born and raised. I had plans to fix up the place, a new roof, new plumbing, maybe add an extra bedroom. And she agreed! She thought it a wonderful plan, but she had no idea who I was.
This morning I went for a walk, kicking rocks and gravel, and found the bleached skull of a mule. But for the crazy swallows there was no life anywhere. In all directions everything was dead. And now by the end of the day you can find me here weeping under poplars who are never quiet. From behind this desolate building I can feel night like death come creeping in, while far in the distance Venus elopes with her man on fire. In the last light the barren fields around me resemble her body, two distant hills her quivering breasts, a lonely olive tree the deep dark love of her belly. There is a breeze caressing my forehead as I caress the the mule's skull.
Like the consul's house, the night sky is a ruin. I try to comfort myself with Lorca's thought on stars: they have no lovers, no matter how pretty they are.
If you find me – I am not sure if I want to be found – make sure to bring music. I only have Lorca to keep me company here and the light is gone.